I remember thinking I might be pregnant because of the only fact that I was "late" I had no morning sickness, no extra tiredness no tender breasts ect. I had four children of an 18 year marriage that started in 1981...I was very young then I am now 40. In the year 2002 I had a son agian a perfect pregnacy...but not a perfect relationship drugs were involved and it got ugly. But my son Timothy was different, he had alergies he had severe colic, nothing ever seemed to please him or comfort him, but his Doctor never told me anything other than he was growning well ect.I would 2 and 1\2 years later find out through much coaxing to the Dr.s he was Autisitic. The relationship ended with his father going to jail for knocking me out and a move out order was put in place. A little time went by and I met the love of my life for the first time I felt what it felt like to be in love. This is the man I will always love we are "soul mates". He asked me if I would give and share with him a child, And I soo wanted to. At first it took awhile but it happened. He about jumped to the moon when I showed him the news...it was happy times again a perfect pregnacy, we had a 8 and 1\2 pound baby boy Shaylen. Daddy said he hoped for a girl but when he seen Shay he was in love. In the next two years Daddy unfortunatly got in over his head with alcohol...and enrolled himself in a treatment center for 6 months, right as he got there I found out about this baby he was happy and predicted a girl and was feeling good about himself and was going to get himself healed and be a great father. This time I went to all my appts. alone we kept in touch phone he talked to baby through the phone "Daddy loves you be good to Mommie"...at 7 weeks I started spotting then bleeding I had an ultrasound it showed 2 babies.....I kept bleeding and one day it was worse than a period another ultrasound showed I didnt have two babies anymore..the bleeding got better and stopped later. The next thing was this baby was under developed and I had placenta previa. I was told no more lifting,and as much rest as possiable. My 5th month I felt her whichI loved,I had to get my first maternity cloths, and I started on the nursery. I was scheduled for another ulrasound to see if we could see babys sex ...baby was definatly big enough now I was so excited. I bought a heartbeat monitor and would listen to that wonderful heartbeat every night. I too felt I was listening to a daughter. With one more day till I would find the sex I had bought everything now except cloths...I started my day I had a morning appt. then had to run to the grocery store..at the grocery store I got to the counter and I felt what I thought was either bleeding or possiably loosing my water. I was nervous I tied my coat around my waist and made it out to the van, I looked closer and it wasn't blood it was clear fluid. I was drenched...I new in my heart this was serious, I called Dr. on cell phone and when I reached my drive way he called back. I changed but by the time I reached the hospital a 7 minute drive..I was all wet again. I was tearful I was praying and I called the treatment center and they said they would get Dad there asap...he had a hour drive ahead of him. My doctor came in briefly with a concerned look on his face, asked how long till Dad would ger here?..and before leaving he said ive ordered a ultra-
sound...but this is not good...My heart raced. I could still feel this baby moving I thought that is good I think? The Ultra sound showed alot of amniotic fluid loss,I was still leaking..it showed an active little one with a loud strong heartbeat and I said I was scheduled to find out what sex my baby is at 10 in the morning...could you please tell me? She replied a little girl..my heart sank...I told her " I knew it...her name is Destynee" Dad arrived and my Dr. came in right away I felt the doom...He drew out a picture and explained that the previa wore a adnormal soft spot on my bag of water. That it was nothing I did and nothing they could of prevented. My mind was racing, what is he saying? He said I had developed a massive infection and started me on six I.V antibiotics and fluids, and told us that hed talk to us in the morning....sleep didn't come.The next morning he laid a little more on us..he said I had a 70% chance of going into labor in the next 24 hours and a 30% chance within the week and a 5% chance of not going into labor at all. So I said so we hope I dont right? He said the worst of the worst next...I am a man of faith in the Lord and I will not preform an abortion, But I don't feel I can save your baby and I do feel you are in danger for as long as your pregnant with your daughter inside you I can only hope to be able to control the infection, but I'm loosing hope your on six antibiotics and still running a fever ,I had also developed a serious cough that was bringing up serious mucus theyhad me spitting out. He said you could at anytime have this infection take over and we could possiably loose you. He went on to say If labor started he would not stop it, and if my daughter was born alive and began to weaken they would not recessitate her she was too little to survive and the neonatal hospital an hour away would not take her she had to be 24 weeks. He went on to say the amniotic fluid does manythings its like air is to us its her oxygen which shes being deprived of, also if I was to try to hang on and see if I didnt go into labor I would have to go stay at that hospital and have antibiotics and steriod shots and I would have a baby he said that was 99% definately sure was going to have some severe handicaps, one was major bone deformaties due to no fluid to move around in bones 90 degrees bent ect. The other was metal retardation some severe brain damage because of not enough oxygen and cerebrialpalsey. And he couldn't even predict she would make it through the night so he made themtake me off all monitors telling me it would make me crazy and he was affraid I was goingto have a nervous breakdown. He said his recomendation was to induse labor He didnt wantto loose me too.That day was long we talked to the hospitals pastor who was sowonderful and called our own pastor from our church. Come that night the nurse who wasassigned to me wanted to call Dr to see if he could give me something for anxiety but Isaid no...sleep didn't come that night either and I still felt her. It felt like a dream I knewI had no one to watch my two sons at home since Dad was still obligated to the treatmentcenter, I had to and had been taking care of everything alone the boys the house the billson and on there was no one else. Not for weeks possiably months if that was what wechoosed to do. I called the Dr in agian and had him tell me everything agian from A-Z.I called the church pastor back in we had another long talk and she asked me ..Traci howwould you like you daughter to live? And how would you like her to die? I had no answerIt flew right over me but was frazzled physicaly and mentally. But I kept running that overand over...and finially I understood, Would I want her to live in such a state she sufferedwould never say her first words, or take her first steps would I want her to live like that tosay shes here but I don't know if she knows where " here is". Or if she was to die would Iwant it to be with no suffering, to be recieved by Jesus knowing only love. The pastor toldme Destynee knew only love at this point she new my heartbeat my voice and daddys shenew her inviorment was peacefull and she new no pain and was of no sin. I told her I wouldnot want her to suffer but I didn't want to loose her I said how scared I was of giving birthknowing doom was on the other side, would it tramatize me to look at her I was so scared.She told me I would see her through a mothers eyes, and see nothing but beauty, she toldme I would not feel fear but a impulsing urge to see her and hold her. I wasnt sure...I slept alittle that night and I know why God sent rest to me for the next day I wouldsurley need it.The next morning I started feeling contractions I waited before sayinganything for about an hour.Scott -( Daddy) and I had a long talk he told me it was time to let her go.I called the nurse in and told her I was having contractions I was still feelingDestynee at this point...They hooked me up to monitor and called Dr. we agreed he wouldhelp the progress along with some pictosin and tablets than help dialate you. Everythingwas a fog. My oldest daughter Karla 24 was there and Daddy Scott and I was ok 1 minuteand not the next. this went on all day into the night untill 11 pm then they took me offthe monitor gave me my sleeping pill and said will hook you up at 6 am tomarrow, Scottand I held hands almost all night off and on I told him I was still feeling the contractions,around 4 am I felt a pretty big warm gush and i called for him i pulled back the blanketsand there was blood. The nurse checked me and said she needed to call the Dr. theypredicted I would need to dialate to about a 6 and the contractions would deliver her.It was nothing like that....He came in and said I was a 4+ and to bump all the aids upso the tablets went from 50 mg to 500 mg. and they also bumped up the iv pictocin. Hehad me start pushing about every 30 minutes starting around ,She was breech andthat was not good. I never felt her move after this point. I never took any pain medsor epidural nothing, This went on till 12:00 pm And I hit my breaking point I didnt feellike I could push anymore he only had a leg and hip at this point and I felt like It wasgoing nowhere. He told me if I hadnt pushed we would have nothing and things hadbeen happening, with every push he pulled and pushed on my stomache on my uterustillI thought I was going to throw up. Hewas getting nervous cause I couldnt handlethe pushing on my stomache and my infection was picking up according to blood test.I also had a bladder infection and and urethaitus it felt like razors chopping up myinsides. The nurse came in and said I don't know why this is happening, we said a
prayer agian she said Dr was getting worried and frustrated....when he came back in He told me he could not beieve my tolerance to pain he had never seen anything like it.
They then decided to have me use the squating bar and It felt so much better to puch
like that. he said I have an arm and a shoulder, then he said now just a head you can do it.
He told me Destynee had passed but I already knew. at 1:35pm on a Sunday Feb.19th, 2006
Destynee Lynn Cherish Murray
was born an angel.
He said he was going to look at the baby first that we might not want to see her it was a long difficult labor which affected both of us. My daughter said I will look at her Mom and I'll know if you should....wow what courage..I agreed as he carried her over to the table something happened I can't even explain Daddy , Karla, and myself watched every move
I was crying but I HAD to see my baby. She looked at me and knodded yes. They wrapped her in a blanket and handed her to me and I had no fear I had a Mothers eyes and a Mothers broken heart, she was brused but she had the most perfect nose and mouth and cheeks tiny hands fingers so perfect with finger nails perfect little ears perfect feet ,ankles,knees She was perfect and she was mine and she was so loved and she was beautiful. They asked If we'd like to take pictures and we did ..so bittersweet. The nurse and my daughter then took her to the nursery to wiegh her take her hand and feet prints and dress her in her beautiful dress , bonnet, and diaper, and blanket hand made by the minutes of gold society, what a blessing these people are, my baby was beautiful for her photos and just as worthy as any baby to have a dress that pretty. We held her till evening and the hospital pastor came to see her and we all marveled at her and I told her she was right...there was no fear I seen with a mothers eyes. We prayed over her and said our good byes before calling the funeral home. I can't tell you the emptyness I felt walking out of the hospital empy handed. I had her birth certificate I had her out fit I had her angel bear I had her flowers I had her keepsake box and her pictures but I didn't have her...I put her hospital braclet on her angel bear and have slept with it for the last 2 and a half weeks. I bought a glass display cabnet I have her scrap book in of my tummy pitures and ultra sound pics her out fit some framed pics of her and us her urn with her ashes the bible that was held while praying over her, the heart monitor I listened to her with every night binkies and a bottle her cards and and a angel doll, every spiecal occation we are going to add a speical something to the cabnett and when Daddy returns home were going to plant a weeping willow tree and have a plaque done on a bench right beside the tree so it can be our speical place and watch this tree full of life grow and sit and talk about her. Its hard I wonder when this pain will end....But I pray everyday. Her name says it all she had a Destynee we didnt know about Lynn is my middle name because she looked like me, and Cherish because we will always Cherish meeting her holding her and never forgeting her.I held an angel my real angel in my arms...............
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